Deception Pass!

I am trying to make "Deception Pass" happen. To be used when you've been hoodwinked, swindled, shock 'n' awed, bamboozled, cheated, lied to, or generally psyched out.

The actual Deception Pass is a strait of water between Whidbey Island (not really an island! or something. I am still confused.  DECEPTION PASS!) and Fidalgo Island in Washington, somewhere outside of Seattle (someone else was driving).  Look at this bridge spanning Deception Pass! There ought to be Lost Boys dangling from it, or Sparklevamps playing superbaseball or something.

Anyway, the point being that "Deception Pass" is very fun to say! Like "Man, the sign at Tailor said the kitchen was re-opening in September and now the chef's gone and they will never serve me deliciously weird food ever again." DECEPTION PASS!

Or, you know, like "That boy said he was going to call me and then he NEVER CALLED! Deception Pass!"

Or "I think my boyfriend is cheating on me and lying about it. DECEPTION PASS!"

Or even "Those morningstar corndogs are NOT actually vegan! DECEPTION PASS!"

Use it three times and its yours! Go forth and make it happen. (Please? For me?)

Cyndi Lauper Dressed as a Kitty (with Anne Boleyn and a Time Bandit)

Bustin' Makes Me Feel Good

I had the sads but then I watched this and now I have the happies:



(via Videogum)

"I Know Where the Red Fern Grows" - a poem, by Maya Angelou.

"Where the Red Fern Grows" came up last night and just this afternoon. I don't need to explain it, because you get it -- you remember: dogs, coons (as in actual raccoons), mountain lion, dog heartbreak, red fern. You cried a lot when you read it. Sometimes you are in a lot of pain due to a herniated disc in your neck and these things start to happen:

and then, of course, this eventually happens:

You're welcome.

It's not really depression if you still wash your hair, right?

I'm depressed. But, I washed my hair! People on tv who are depressed never wash their hair. Ergo, I'm not really depressed, right?

Man. I looked for photos to prove this theory but the internet is no help when it comes to google-imaging "depressed tv characters with unwashed hair." Bummers.

Bex Directs

I made a blog to showcase stuff that I directed (hire me, hint hint, hint hint). I could have been trendy and used tumblr but I decided to go super retro old-school and rock the blogger. So!

Please tell everyone you know.

http://bexdirects.blogspot.com/

The Best Fork in the World

This is what I think whenever I'm in a museum and they have silverware on display. And then I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Hey Ladies!

My Favorite Headline Ever

Brett Gelman's VH1 ad with Paula Abdul funnier than anything during MTV's VMAs

(Thanks, Sean!)

Paula Abdul Hosts Divas (the :45 version)

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Paula Abdul Got Her VH1 Divas Hosting Gig At An Employment Agency"

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Tee Shirt of the Day

Yakety Yak, Take it Back

Extensive research into MC Skat Kat reveals he was "launched into the mainstream years later when he appeared in a public service announcement titled "Take it Back", where he sang the title song about recycling." Apparently, I missed this stratospheric launch (it occurred in 1991, so I was probably prepping for my bat mitzvah) but happily, youtube is always there to fill in the gaps in my pop cultural knowledge. Observe:


I wish the audio were better because I can't hear most of the lyrics, but a few notes:

This is ostensibly a PSA for kids:
1) threatening that if you don't recycle, Ozzy will stop rocking (that is some real guilt-inducing shit right there)
2) the PSA stages a protest against "city hall" demanding that you call the government and complain that they are not recycling (or something? the audio is futzy here, but, egads, in the early 90s, Hollywood was basically demanding the youth of America stage a town hall)
3) Barry White
4) Who went home and did it after this shoot? Bette and Ozzy, right?
5) Perhaps you would like to buy this for me?

The World's Best Photo in the History of the World, Ever

You guys, this is the greatest picture in the history of forever.


The man in the pink hat carried a watermelon!
The man in the pink shirt carries bananas!
The man in the middle is perhaps a mime, or perhaps developmentally disabled! I just can't tell! Mime or mildly retarded? This could be a hot new party game. Or a blog-to-bookdeal situation. Here, I'll start: this is a new blog called Mime or Retarded? More to come!

Also! Watermelon Man is wearing a giant diamond ring on his right ring finger, and we all know that Right Hand Rings are for women who know they're never going to get married but they still feel like they deserve a conflict diamond, so they buy themselves a Right Hand Ring because nothing says "I am an independent woman" like buying oneself a gemstone that was probably sold to DeBeers by a warlord. Nice! But why is Watermelon Man wearing one?

And why is Banana Man wearing a shirt that says "We do the blues?" And why are Possible Mime / Possible Buddy With perhaps a Touch of Something Off's pants so high and so tight? And what is in his sandwich? Is he eating a ketchup sandwich? Eating a ketchup sandwich points to mild retardation.

Unless he is eating a watermelon and banana sandwich? Is that what all of this means? Mime/Possibly A little Retarded guy is being "sandwiched" by Watermelon Man and Banana Man. Thus, Mime/P.A.L.R guy is the filling between the white bread! Watermelon Man and Banana Man are the bread and Mime/P.A.L.R. guy is the sandwich filling, figuratively, but he is eating a sandwich that is a literal representation of the metaphorical sandwich! This is like a living, breathing metaphor-analogy, like when they have that Living Chess Game at the Renaissance Faire.

We found this photo by google-image-searching "Mr. Dithers" because wouldn't Mr. Dithers make a great tattoo for someone who was dithering about what tattoo to get? And then, this photo happened, because it was posted on someone's Myspace page, and that someone was named Mr. Dithers. I logged into myspace for the first time in like 12 years to ping the guy who posted the photo and find out the story of the the World's Best Photo in the History of the World, Ever, but, alas, I have not gotten a response. So, dear internet, I turn to you: who are these people? Where are they? And what is happening? Internetters, you are my only hope.

UPDATE:
Meredith Mo was the first awesomeperson of awesomeness to ring in with an actual, verifiable answer: the guy in the middle is Rik Mayall of "Young Ones," "Blackadder" and "Drop Dead Fred" fame. Here's his IMDB page . Then I did some more sleuthing and found this exact photo on this guy's "Hall of Fame" gallery of photos of himself with famous people! The caption reads "Ky, Rik Mayall & Jim Hoffman working on movie "Drop Dead Fred" -- Ky is, apparently, "The Rocketman", although I will continue to refer to him as Watermelon Man. Which means Bananas Man is Jim Hoffman, although IMDB turns up only one Jim Hoffman -- but he didn't work on "Drop Dead Fred." Hmmm.

Actually, even though this photo is no longer all that mysterious, I think it's just as weird. Weirder, perhaps.

Hear Me Roar! Benefit for Sylvia's Place

You guys! I am MC'ing a wonderful benefit this THURSDAY, August 20th!

It's at 6pm at the Bowery Poetry Club - 308 Bowery. Please do come!



It is estimated that close to 40% of the 20,000 runaway and homeless youth in New York identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). These young people often face violence and discrimination from service providers and peers, when attempting to access support. While LGBT specific resources have been shown to effectively help youth create a healthy path to independence, the few existing programs have faced tremendous budget cuts due to the economic downturn. For this reason, now is a particularly critical time to give voice to this cause.

Together with author and activist, Emanuel Xavier, The Hear Me ROAR! Project is hosting a fundraiser to support our work with MCCNY-Homeless Youth Services/ Sylvia's Place, honoring the voices of LGBT homeless youth.

A suggested $15 minimum donation will include:

PERFORMANCES BY

Village Voice columnist, Michael Musto
Poet and author, Emanuel Xavier
Club/electro/punk musicians, Air Kiss on Mars
Poet, Chip Livingston
Percussion/Dance ensemble, Segunda Quimbamba
Spoken word artist, Simply Rob.

Mistress of Ceremonies: VH1 Comedian, Bex Schwartz

PRIZES FOR RAFFLE featuring donated items.


This event is kindly sponsored by NEXT magazine
The Estee Lauder Companies, Inc.
Sara’s Gracious Goodies
Fred Marcus Photography
Hot Blondies Bakery
Dickhouse Entertainment
Bekka NYC
Fragrancenet.com
Emily Drazen Photography
Shaw Family Archives
Hirsch Vineyards
Backboneandwingspan.com: Pilates for Posture and Spinal Support



The Hear Me ROAR! Project uses artistic expression to raise awareness and funding for LGBTQ youth services in New York. We are currently partnered with Sylvia's Place, a 24-hour emergency shelter, to document the experiences of LGBTQ young people on the street.



For more information about MCCNY-Homeless Youth Services/ Sylvia's Place, please visit www.homelessyouthservices.org

Glitter Puke

Hey you guys! The Beatles: Rock Band facebook page hit 10k followers today, and some of us announced we would puke glitter and dance on tabletops if that happened. My tummy is in bad shape so I'm not about to dance on tabletops, but, look:


Glitter Graphics