Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I saw Putin Kiss A Boy's Tummy

I found viddy!

... but I SWEAR I was just watching the news and I saw President Putin kiss a boy on the tummy. If it was real, it was the most surreal thing I have ever seen on the news. I must not be hallucinating because I found this article:

Putin Kisses Boy's Stomach
President Vladimir Putin on Wednesday stopped on a walk through the Kremlin to speak to a young boy before lifting up the boy's shirt and kissing the astonished youth on his stomach.

Putin was shown by state television chatting to graduates of military academies before he took a walk through one of the Kremlin's courtyards, often full of tourists.

He stopped and spoke to a young boy who appeared to be aged 4 or 5 and turned away shyly when asked his name.

"What is your name?" Putin asked, kneeling down in front of the fair-haired boy and holding him by the waist.

"Nikita," the clearly shocked boy answered, looking from side to side.

Putin then lifted the boy's shirt and kissed him on his stomach. The president then patted the boy on the head and walked off through a crowd of astonished tourists. (Reuters)

Bex on The Most

Yo People!
I'll be on Alison Stewart's show on MSNBC today ("The Most") at 3pm dishing Star Jones. Tune in, turn on, drop out!


So I sure do hope you've already subscribed to the Toxic Pop podcast, but if you haven't already, you should mosdef watch the third one, which is up now and is totes-awes.

You'll see not just me and some super wonderful artstarness, but also the now-classic promo for a little show called "Wrong Fag to Fuck With," in which I played a little someone named Courtney Love.

If'n you're a fan of the Toxic Pop podcast, you should come see us LIVE!

Check this shiznit on out:
It's official! Toxic Pop will be presenting a screening at the Pioneer Theater in the East Village. On Sunday, September 10th at 7 PM, we'll be having a screening of "The Best of the Toxic Pop PoPcast" featuring the best segments produced throughout the summer along with outtakes, and shit that's just too dirty - even for the internet.

So buy your tickets now!

Thanks for the support, yo. Now, if you'll all forgive me, I must continue to drown myself in Celebreality.

PLEASE support the art stars by thinking ahead and buying your ticket NOW!! It would mean so much to the children.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Pain in My Mofe'ing Neck

So I have this weird pinched nerve-y thing in my back/neck region that occasionally flares up and turns me into a Frankenstein type of stiff person, and it's excruciatingly painful and generally turns me into a raging bitch because I get frustrated and cranky and terse. And it flared up again this weekend, which made me sad, because I had all sorts of action-packed activities planned (well, going to the gym, anyway) and I couldn't do anything.

But this weekend was also Pride and it reminded me that my injury was officially five years old! Because five years ago this-Pride, I was at a rock show and this drunken Irish guy tackled me and I hurt my back/neck region, and then the next day was Pride and I walked around the West Village looking like a Frankenstein/Lurch stiff person! So maybe this weekend's flare up was just because my back/neck region was celebrating the anniversary of its ruin! And wouldn't that be both amazing (my neck/back region remembered!) and terrifying (does my neck/back region have its own consciousness?) at the same time!

Sorry for the lack of posts, tigers, but I'm prepping two large-and-in-charge projects at the same time, and my discretionary bloggy time has flown out the window. More soon, I promise.

PS: Yes, one project involves Celebreality. For a change.

PPS: More news on the other project. It's a doozy, and super stoke-a-riffic.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Watch me on the MSNBC in my Underroos!

Watch me and Michael Musto on MSNBC, discussing Superman's gayness, Jesusness, and various other topics of ridiculousness.

Who's awesome? Me.

And, in case you missed my appearance last week on Scarborough Country discussing the Dixie Chicks and their anti-patriotism sentiment (in addition to their anti-Bush sentiment -- you go, Chix!), I found this handy-dandy transcript. Here are my best bits.

SCARBOROUGH: Bex, this really cuts both ways though, doesn‘t it? While it may enrage red state America, U.S. pop culture is even divided along party lines now. This will win her a lot of fans on the East Coast and the West Coast, won‘t it?

BEX SCHWARTZ, POP CULTURE COMMENTATOR, VH-1: Yes, I mean, I‘m not a huge fan of their music, but I‘m a big supporter of what they‘re saying. If you‘re someone who‘s in the public eye and you have the power to say something to change the way people think, use the power for good. If you‘re not happy with the way the country is being run, talk about it. I think she‘s doing a great job. I‘m going to go buy that album.

SCARBOROUGH: Well, and I think that‘s actually what‘s happening, Bex, where you‘ve got these women that are selling a lot of albums. They‘ve had great publicity, and yet it‘s hard for them to sell tickets in some of the more popular country venues where they made $63 million back in 2003. You think that‘s what‘s happening, people are buying the CDs, but don‘t want to go to the shows?

SCHWARTZ: Do you think that your musical tastes change because someone‘s ideology changes? I mean, it‘s the same music that people were enjoying back in 2003. I don‘t see why that should affect the way that they feel about the music. It‘s the artist and the art, you know, they‘re two separate issues. Buy tickets, people. Come on.
That's me - stickin' it to the man, one tv appearance at a time.

And remember, kids: use the power for good.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I'm on MSNBC Wednesday 6/21 at 11:45ish EST

Is Superman gay?
Oh, hell if I know. But it sure is fun to talk about.

That's why you should watch MSNBC tomorrow (Wednesday, 6/21) at around 11:45am EST (give or take a few minutes) to watch Michael Musto (from the Village Voice, duh) and Me (me) discuss Superman's GAYNESS and how he is SO GAY oh-my-goodness, Superman is so FABULOUSLY GAY because he's a big SUPERHOMOSEXUAL and he's gay. GAY GAY GAY. As gay as Batwoman. Super McGay! Faster than a speeding GAY BULLET! Able to leap over GAY buildings with a single GAY bound.

Or maybe he's not gay. Whatever. Faster than a speeding BREEDER bullet. Yawn.

But it's HI-LARIOUS that this is an actual news story. I'm so glad to contribute to the downfall of the American empire by appearing on a (somewhat) esteemed news program to have an intellectual (ha) discussion (ha) about whether Superman is or isn't gay.

And if you think I'm not wearing my Wonder Woman under-roos, you are surely mistaken. You should probably watch just to see my outfit.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Set Your Tivos Now!

Yo People!
It's me, your friendly neighborhood Pop Culture Pundit (PCP - trademark pending).
I'm very excited to cross the border into Scarborough Country this evening on the MSNBC. I'll be on at 9:30 tonight discussing the Dixie Chicks.
Do I listen to the Dixie Chicks? No fracking way.
But do I think they're rad for dissing the Bush? Hells to the yeah.

Let's see if I get through this appearance without using any of the deadly seven words. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Set your tivos now!
Bex does Scarborough Country!
TONIGHT - Thursday 6.15.06 at 21:30

Please stay tuned for next week, when I'll be appearing on Scarborough Fair Country, with my parsley and my sage. Bwa ha ha ha. That would be funny if you were six years old.

Have You Raped a Baby?

So I've been avidly tracking (and by avidly, I mean spending a few minutes perusing various interwebpages) this story about how director John Roecker was wearing this kickawesome shirt with Tom Cruise on the front with the words "Scientology is Gay" and John Travolta on the back with the words "Very Gay." (Click here for pix) And cruiseazy scientologist Jenna Elfman accosted Roecker for making fun of her religion, and she screamed at him, "Have you ever raped a baby?"

Azzyintolochizt says what?

Apparently, "Have you raped a baby" is something scientologists ask each other when they suspect each other of misbehavin'. (Total thanks to BWE for clearing that up).

Personally, I have never raped a baby. Have you?

In my ex-religion (I am a former Jew, let us not forget), when they think we've been misbehaving, we ask, "Are you dating a schvartze?" It's a lot less insensitive, I'd say.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Kitty Reality Show! Kitty Reality Show!

So the first all-kittycat reality show starts this Friday on Animal Planet (believe you me, I am plenty psyched). The phine pholks at TVGASM have put together a handy compendium to this season's contestants. It's a mosdef must-read before Friday.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I Do, We Do, We All Do an Up-Do

bex hair 2, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend, which was a black tie affair. Oooh, la la! So I decided that I needed to get my hair did, which hasn't happened since the last time I went to a prom, which was marglemargle (hand over mouth) years ago. So, look! Pretty, complicated hair! To match my pretty but not-really-complicated dress. Although my shoes were complicated. And they made my little toes (which are not really toes, but are dweezils) turn purple.

Toxic Pop -- the insiders guide to underground nyc

Friends, please subscribe to the Toxic Pop newsletter. It's my friend Tom's weekly rundown of all the hep-cat cool downtown art stuff you should see. And, hey, dig this: there's one of those newfangled video podcasts to which you can subscribe on itunes (for free!) Check it before you wreck it, and sign up by clicking this here purple button

And dig even further: I'm one of your hosts! You can check out this week's podcast at the Toxic Pop site or, just for my special readers, watch it right here:

In the second Toxic Pop Podcast, Bex and Dax "freestyle" at the Bowery Poetry Club, and bring you BadAss Burlesque, Rob Paravonian, and a classic promo from the 2000 Surf Comedy Festival.

Note: My persona, as host-person, is big ol' dork. I think you'll like it.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Stars Are Blind vs. Where Does the Good Go

Friends -- I'm not sure, and I may be hallucinating, but I am pretty damn sure that Paris Hilton's tune "Stars are Blind" is actually Tegan and Sara's "Where Does the Good Go" with new lyrics and a reggae beat.

Please feel free to discuss.

An Open Letter to John Lloyd Young

Dear John Lloyd Young,
Congrats on winning the Tony. I'm glad you and your Air Force dad are getting along again. That's great. But, your Tony speech was the most blatant disregard of Tony speech etiquette in years. Didn't Lachanze give you any crib notes? Here's what you didn't do:
Thank your writers
Thank your directors
Thank your crew
Thank your co-stars
Thank your agent.

And just for that, even though your win will send droves and droves to "Jersey Boys," (which is fine, because my friend Peter is in it and everyone should see him be terrific), but I think you've automatically disqualified yourself from even winning a Tony again. I just thought you should know.

Bex Schwartz
dedicated Awards-Show research analyst

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Umbrella Etiquette

Okay. Look, people, I'm not sure I have the authority to do this but
A) I have migraine
B) I'm in a really foul mood.
Theoretically, that combo allows me to be the one to assert these rules of Umbrella Etiquette, because, clearly, none of you fuckers walking through Times Square have a mofe'ing clue.

1). The taller you are, the larger the umbrella you may carry. Associatively, the shorter you are, the smaller the umbrella. Tall people ought to lift their larger umbrellas above the shorter masses. If you are short and you're carrying a large umbrella, when you attempt to raise your large umbrella above your head, you will only be raising your large umbrella into the faces of normally-heighted people. So don't. Carry a mini umbrella for your mini self.
2). Along the same lines, children should wear rainhats or hoods. No umbrellas for them.
3). If two people are about to pass each other, and both are holding umbrellas, the taller person should raise his/her umbrella and the shorter person should pull his/her umbrella down. This way, there's no eye-spiking.
4). You never need to carry one of those golf umbrellas. Just don't.
5). Upon entering a store/restaurant/whatever, place your umbrella in the conveniently-provided umbrella-holder. Upon leaving, take your umbrella. Do NOT take someone else's umbrella. Just because you have a $3 bought-on-the-street jammy and someone else has an expensive Gustbuster, you cannot steal their umbrella. AND TO THE FUCKER WHO ADDED INSULT TO INJURY ON MY ALREADY SUCKFEST WEDNESDAY BY STEALING MY UMBRELLA FROM THE 14TH FLOOR WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM AT THE NEW YORK SPORTS CLUB ON 49TH AND BROADWAY, if I find out who you are, you will die a slow and painful death. I'm so glad you got to be all dry and toasty when you left the gym. I was already in a bad mood, pissed, overheated, hungry, and drenched. I hate you. You should be forced to listen to James "Cunt" Blunt for eternity.
6). If your umbrella has broken spokes, do not carry it through Times Square. You will surely put someone's eye out.
7). If it's barely drizzling, fuck the umbrella. It's called a raincoat, people. Or even a baseball cap. Your hair's fucked up anyway because it's raining, so, please, don't ruin my already horrible commute any more than you have to.
8). Just because you're wearing big stupid galoshes, it is NOT ALL RIGHT to jump wholeheartedly into large puddles of water. Sure, your feet with stay dry, but my OUTFIT WILL BE RUINED BECAUSE I AM STANDING ON THE CURB WHILE YOU ARE BEING A TOOL. I realize this rule has nothing to do with umbrellas, but, screw you, my head hurts like a motherfucker.

In other news, I wish there were a 1-800 number I could call, and when they picked up the phone I would ask, "What do I want to eat for lunch?" And they would tell me.

My friend Josh adds that he'd even pay a 1-900 number for that service. Or to get the answer texted to your phone on a daily basis.

There must be algorithm that would sort that out for me. Math geniuses? Anyone?

Monday, June 05, 2006

Stalking Agent Cooper

So my Gawking of Kyle Machlachlan made the ol' Gawker Stalk today, but here it is for your vicarious celeb spotting pleasure:

I saw Kyle Maclachlan on Sunday on 24th/7th around 7:30pm. As previously Gawked, he is definitely rockin' a Da Vinci, although his appears to be tinted auburn. He was totally doing the 90s thing, with a technicolor striped shirt tucked into a pair of jeans. I mean, the shirt was BLOUSED. Who blouses their shirts anymore? Still and all, I couldn't believe I was mere steps away from Agent Cooper in the flesh.

I should mention that Agent Cooper was my first mega, mega, all-consuming celebrity crush. Oh, how I loved/love him still.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

From Me to Emu

So this Emu broke loose and went after a kindergarten graduation.

You can read about it right here, but, honestly, you should watch the video, (also available on the news-story page)where a beautiful 5 year old declares that the emu "looked like a chicken but bigg-o" and then later gleefully declares that she wanted to "twist its neck."

Also of note, the kindergarteners SPAZZING out behind a plate glass window, and the emu wandering past a dumbfounded sherriff.

I love the news.